Grindin'

What is it that actually motivates you?

What actually makes you see in focus, see things that you wouldn’t have noticed before, wouldn’t have remembered, wouldn’t have let yourself see?

I’ll bet it’s not happiness. Happiness tends to make you take in the big picture, because it’s a happy picture. That’s why happy people write mostly shitty songs. Because you don’t have to dig deep for meaning when things are great, you just look around and feel like it’s all it’s supposed to be. The sunrise, the beautiful ocean, the flowers, the pretty girls or pretty boys, it all is simple and fun and exactly like you want it to be, why the hell should you dig into it? Ladi-frickin-da.

Or maybe you want to just be remembered for something. It’s not a bad goal to have. To be a reason for something with impact. Shit, I want to make an impact somewhere, at some point. I want to have been relevant and unique and different when someone looks back later. I think most people want that.

Some of us want that on a slightly lower scale. As in, some of us want to go viral. Being a meme is a possible way to be remembered, albeit it may be for a really dumb reason. One of those quick little videos that we laugh at and pass along to our friends, saying, “did you see what some idiot did last week?” And that can be a lot of fun too, I suppose. Being the first or the most notable person to post some new trend, perhaps there is nobility in that.

The only problem with that, from my standpoint, is that like an actual virus, going viral only lasts so long. The quick rise and spread of some little post tends to come and go like an actual common cold might. Put simply: people tend to get over you and not remember you. Really, do you even remember the colds and flus of your life? Don’t you just shrug them off and move on to things that matter more? Years from now, will you reminisce about that nasty cough that you had a few months ago? Likewise, you probably won’t have particularly fond memories of that YouTube video about the guy who skateboarded into getting hit in the balls or those cats that did something adorable for 4 minutes straight. It’s just not going to matter for that long.

So what then? What motivates us? What the hell are we all trying to get done here? What keeps our engine running?

I tell you one thing, the things that motivate you make an impact on you. The grind that a person goes through makes a difference that is never appreciated right then and there. Always takes time to let it put things in perspective. It takes a while to go out and earn that big screen TV or that brand new sports car. It takes time to write that paper or book that you want to do justice. It takes time to create that new recipe and get the taste exactly right, I mean EXACTLY where you want to get it.

I'm talking like, food tastes different. Cars ride differently. Clothes feel different while worn. Of course, it's not the food or the car or the clothing that is different from the grind. It's you. When you go through something as draining, you have to push yourself past your norms. Doing so may end up changing your norms. You know, you push your limits enough and you not only get new limits, but you realize that your old limits may have never really been enough. You start to understand yourself and what you're capable of. You may even start to desire to push yourself further, to see how much more you can really do. When you push and push and reach the mountain top, the mountain top is exactly like it was before you arrived. You're the one who's different.

Now my thing is, how do you get in grind mode? It’s an honest question. Just because you know that you can get into grind mode doesn’t mean you know how or why. How do you flip the switch from calm to calm like a bomb? How do you make it known, to the world but really more so to yourself, that shit has become real? Because I know people that want to be serious but cannot ever fully take the plunge and flip that switch, no matter how serious they tell themselves they are taking things. Then again, I know people who flip the switch all the time without meaning to, like they themselves aren’t in control of their own mind and their own emotions. And no, I am not about to go into a tirade about a woman’s menstrual cycle, and I feel like I could, even though I’d surely pay for it later.

The point is, inner motivation is not always automatic. This is not a unique problem. I’ve found many people in my life to be of at least two different types of minds. Contradictory. Hypocritical. Just plain lost. It happens. It’s another wonderful hallmark of growing up that I’m finding. The idea that we no longer know who to turn to for information, we now have NO IDEA AT ALL as to what should inspire us. And perhaps we shouldn’t know exactly what inspires us. Perhaps it should be a mystery to us.

Nah, screw that. We should definitely know.

If you know what inspires you, you can also keep an eye on whether or not you’re burning it out. You can make sure that the inspiration is never overused, and protected, and that it can always be trusted, Our inspirations, like many other things that we idolize, are not infallible. We can be manipulated by so many other things, so why not the things that we essentially allow to manipulate us? Just permitting something outside of yourself to take the keys and drive you. You don’t know where it’s going to drive you. Just rev it up and see what happens, see what you’re capable of.

One of my motivators is amazing, it can drive me to do anything with energy and vigor and maybe even a bit of a chip on my shoulder. And I’m a bit of a nerd and can generally be pretty calm and reserved, so when I get going with this source of inspiration, it is dangerous.

What is this motivator? It’s the song by DMX called “What’s My Name?”. Here’s a link to it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FFK5Oh10os

And that song is scary to me when it comes on. Why? Because it doesn’t matter what needs to be done, I might do it now, because we’re playing that song. The other day I was in my car, waiting for it to warm up, and I was tired and a bit hungover, and really didn’t want to go to work. I couldn’t have given any shit about getting the snow off of my car so I could get moving. And then the CD player went to the next track. And I lost my mind!

I got hyped, man! I got amped up to put my gloves on and start shoving snow off of my car hood while moving to the rhythm of the song. Not even using scrapers, just swiping wildly at the snow while it was still falling, just muttering out the lyrics as neighbors walked past me, most of them slightly terrified. I think they knew I wouldn’t hurt them, but they still seemed concerned for my sake. And after I got done shoving the snow off of my car, I almost felt let down, so I turned the volume up a bit more and started wiping off the car next to me, just until the song ended.

Because Ride Or Die.

But see, that’s what happens when the song comes on. A few years ago, that song came on when I was riding the bus home from work. I had to get off the bus a few stops early because I came way too close to jumping up in the face of an elderly Hispanic woman and yell, “D-M-X!” I’m not even kidding, I had to get off the bus to avoid rocking out that hard to this song on my iPod. It should be something that I’m more embarrassed about, in my opinion, but that’s what it is for me. It’s a stick of dynamite that I am only sometimes prepared for when it turns up on shuffle all songs.

I’m skeptical that the song would hold the same meaning if I played it all the time. If that was my morning song, I feel like it would work for a while, like I’d wake up jacked and a slightly more angry than really necessary, but I just don’t know if it would last. I’d wake up mellowed out, very calmly asking “what y’all really want”. I don’t want that. I want the song to always be intense. I want it to always make my adrenaline spike. I want the song to always make me feel like i just snorted some cocaine and chugged a double vodka redbull.

But the flipside to that is obviously if that adrenaline is just an average reaction now. Imagine if you did that so much that you got used to it. Like, you’re used to cocaine and vodka redbulls, to the point that you do that just to get into the swing of things in the night. Like, that’s just how you start to ease into things. You start with that. "Hey Bob, can I get you some coffee?" "No thanks, Frank, I already had my cocaine and redbull. I'm all set for today, and really the rest of this month."

Yeesh.

But I don’t want to keep myself too tame. I don’t want to look back on any of my time and realize that I was bored. i don’t mind realizing I’ve been an idiot until recently. Actually, I usually feel like I’ve just started being smarter, or more responsible, or more anything else that’s positive. But i can also usually say that doing so had been a lot of fun while I was doing it. I don’t want to look back and realize that I’d been boring myself.

I should probably clarify, I don't do cocaine and redbull. Nor do I advocate it. But if you ever happen to notice me muttering "D-M-X", then you already know. I'm in my zone. I'm Grindin'.