Wildcard, Bitches

I used to read the strangest things as a kid.

Oh, wait. I should say Hi first.

Hi.

Anyways, I read 'The Art of War' by Sun Tzu as a kid. Or, most of it. 

Mostly because I was bored while visiting my grandparents in Florida as a kid, but also because it seemed like the kind of thing that you should read at some point in your life, to gain perspective or at least be able to feign that you have perspective, which was up my alley. So I read it over a long weekend while hanging out in Blountstown, FL, or most of it, and then I finished it later in life as an adult that could truly appreciate it.

A lot of things stick out when you read a book like 'The Art of War'. It's not like most books you would just read. The book itself isn't any kind of literary organization, it is just a bunch of rules and principles. Stuff like when to attack an enemy, when to evade. methods for cultivating a successful army, ways that leaders get screwed over by their supporters. Things that build morale, things that kill it. That kind of thing.

This book single-handedly made me hope I never have to go to war. I mean, the fact that war, as a concept, was dumbed down this much and is still by no means straightforward. Screw that. I had enough trouble applying these ideas while playing Starcraft on my computer. I cringe at the thought of world leaders going to war and not thinking it through, but again, in the interest of not getting overly political, I won't go into names. But man, I hope those individuals don't pick fights with the U.S. army.

I bring up The Art of War, however, because of a particular passage that I will forever remember. This passage is in the elongated version that my grandparents have, that hold a lot of extra commentary and explanation of the book itself. It's about different types of soldiers and the jobs that you give them. The passage goes like this:

"The skillful employer of man will employ four types of men: the brave man, the wise man, the covetous man, and the stupid man. For the wise man delights in establishing his merit, the brave man likes to show his courage in action, the covetous man is quick at seizing advantages, and the stupid man has no fear of death."

I thought to myself at the time: Oh shit, which one am I?

Not just at work, mind you. You ever stop and wonder who you are, in your group? Are you the brains, or the muscle, or the looks or even... the wildcard? TV shows always dumb it down to cliches like "the dumb blonde" or 'the jock" or "the rich douchebag" and make it painfully obvious, but there could really be individuals with roles in your own circles of friends, and you may or may not realize that there's something specific about you that keeps people around you regularly. Oh, sure, it may be money or fame or a parent in law enforcement that can make legal trouble go away, but it could be even more basic, or abstract, than that. 

Like, I don't know, maybe your life is so screwed up, people like to have you around to remind themselves that shit could get worse all the time. Maybe you're the funny one in the group. Shit, maybe you just think that you're funny and the others rip you to shreds when you leave the room. You might be the best cook, have the best apartment, be the most fashion savvy. Maybe they just all actually like you, and you're the only thing holding your group of friends together, and without you they would all fucking hate each other. I don't know, I'm not sure who you are, but you must have done something to get friends. And it's not likely to be that you were the smart one, the brave one, the sly one, or the stupid one.

Again, in no way am I saying that every person in the world falls into one of these four categories. Definitely not in job or military settings. After all, come on, how many skillful employers are even out there? Every company has a few employees that you look at and think, 'Damn, who in HR came in drunk at work and let this dude get a job?' But also, people in general don't always fit into nice boxes like this, not that these are all even nice boxes. 

But I do always think of that last option. The stupid man, or wildcard as we say more often nowadays. The one who is not afraid to die, probably in a horrible and embarrassing way. The guy who makes the interesting decisions that get everyone else into a certain type of situation, but can also be the random one to get everyone out of the same type of mess. You just never know what the hell this dude is going to do, or be willing to do. And this type of individual just might come in handy sometime. 

I mean, even back in the Ancient times, they understood the use of a fall guy. Same thing today. I know for a fact that certain huge corporations have people on hand almost exclusively to step in front of nasty situations so that the upper management doesn't have to be inconvenienced. Some refer to them as Customer service. I even know of a video of an ex-NFL player, Cris Carter, talking to incoming NFL league rookies about the entourages that they keep, and having a guy there that will take the blame if something bad happens and someone has to face serious legal culpability. 

Imagine being that guy in a group, where all your 'friends' agree that if shit goes down, they're just all gonna say that you did it. Like, that's the only reason you're even around. Someone has to explain to you, "Alright, Benny, here's what's about to occur. The police are on their way, and there's way too much cocaine here for us to finish in time. We're gonna need you to take the hit this time, buddy. Yep, just, yep, just tell them that it all belongs to you when they get here. We're gonna head out the side door here. And Benny? We really- huh? Oh, sure, you can do some more cocaine while you wait, no problem, but Benny? We're really gonna miss you." 

Take Zeke, for instance.

We’ll call him Zeke, anyway. Zeke is a big ass burly dude who loves to get into dumb situations with others. I forget how I know Zeke, but I know him and I will always remember that I know him now because of the story I'm about to tell you. I’ve never seen him get into an actual fight, but I’m guessing he can throw them hands pretty nice. His teeth are a bit fucked up too, so I’m guessing he has experience in taking a punch. Anyway, as intimidating as he is, he showed me that he has no real fear of death or injury or consequences. Oh, and he also taught me the value of being oddly specific with your threats.

We were at a bar, enjoying ourselves after a football game one night, years ago from today. I don’t remember exactly what was going on prior to this, but we were already pretty rowdy on this particular evening. We go to a bar down the street from the house we were hanging out at, and it was pretty packed. Dimly lit bar, loud music, beer pitchers being poured everywhere. I'm sure you’ve never heard of a place like this, right?

So it was packed enough that there were limited tables and chairs for everyone that wanted one. And we had one table and had grabbed most of the chairs we needed, and were trying to get one more, when out of the corner of my eye, I notice the next table trying to pilfer one of our chairs. Now, this wasn’t a big deal at all, but it was annoying and in our defense, it was OUR chair that we had gone and collected. And Zeke notices at the same time I do, and we approach the two guys on their side of the next table. Not big guys, not small guys, just two different regular looking guys, nothing imposing or anything. I try to be diplomatic, and explain that they have grabbed one of our groups chairs, and that we want to keep that. And they start to go into something about it was really theirs first and we should just let it go and find another one. And it was at this moment that Zeke utters a phrase I will never forget as long as I live:

“You give the chair back or I’ll beat your fucking dick off!”
...

Now, when he said that shit... I forgot what we were even talking about. I briefly forgot there were other people there. I turned my focus to Zeke because I became very concerned all at once. Mostly for my own safety, but also I had a few issues to unpack.

First, and these are in no particular order, not really an appropriate reaction to losing a chair, is it? We went from calm to blowing up in a matter of seconds, so there’s that. These are chairs, they are not the new iPhones or seats on a space shuttle ride, or really anything that warrants an outburst. Because nothing warrants an outburst quite like this one.

Second, what exactly did he mean by that? Did he mean beat their dicks off, like ejaculate them here in the middle of a crowded bar? Because that’s not something you should just go around offering. People shouldn't be doing that in public to strangers that they're unhappy with. Or… did he mean he would beat their dicks...off? Like off, off? Because that’s a whole different set of questions. Ejaculation might actually have been weird enough to scare somebody away, but the later option, that's not really something you should do to, well, anyone. Ever, under any circumstances.

Why would you do something like that? The punishment does not fit the crime. And why are you announcing that shit, like it’s already a foregone conclusion that beating off a human penis is where this has to go now. Is that what you’re prepared to do? Are you just saying you are willing to do that over this chair situation, or are you saying that you know from experience that you can remove a man’s dick from his person? Like, for real, have you DONE THAT? This is the kind of person Zeke is, that I have to ask these questions out loud. I need to re-evaluate the people I associate with if this is the company I’m keeping. Like, what else have you not told me? What are you prepared to do if someone spills your beer? If we get into a bar fight, do I need to be concerned for my own crotch region, regardless of whether your on my side or not?

And I don’t even want to look at these bastards we’re facing off with. I'm concerned with how they'll react to this oddly specific threat. If they were told that they may lose their penises in the course of fighting for these chairs, and it doesn't shake their resolve, then I want nothing to do with these men whatsoever. I don’t have time to be fighting dudes that aren’t scared about losing their junk over something so trivial. Any man who is willing to risk losing his penis for, well, really anything... that's a dude that doesn't care about LIFE in general.

I honestly don’t remember if we got the chair back or not. I haven’t hung out with Zeke since.

The point is, these things reflect on you. The people that you associate with, the company that you keep, it matters. Partially because of the situations that you get each other into, but ultimately, the role that you play in their lives and the role that they play in yours, even when you aren't around each other. You cannot be there to constantly explain to complete strangers, "He's kidding. He's not really the kind of person to rip genitalia off of a living person."

On the other hand, we didn't get into a fight, that much I do remember. Maybe it was a calculated move on Zeke's part. Holy shit, maybe Zeke actually is the wise man! Or is he brave for putting himself out there for something so stupid? Or wait, no, is it that he's clever for out-thinking everyone and using an approach sure to work in his favor?

Who am I kidding? Definitely a wildcard move.

Wildcard, Bitches!

Bye now.